I am not well. This means more than just me not feeling right in my mind. I am depressed, but I also am not well towards others. I make people I am close with very unhappy. I feel unhappy.
Life is weird. I do not know what to think of it anymore. I keep going, trying to keep my head above water etc. That's all there is at the moment.
I lack motivation, charm and self esteem. I bring nothing to the table. I'll never become anything.
I've been an extreme disappointment to someone I am supposed to give every ounce of my love to. I do not know what causes me to keep making mistakes. I do not understand what is wrong with me or if I can ever fix myself.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I don't want to cause other people any trouble. I don't want to be the reason for someone else giving up, so please, do not let this rant mess with you personally in any way whatsoever. I am responsible for my own failure here, please don't let that include yours.
I don't do much personal art anymore. I have stopped trying animation too. I still work, but.. It's all rather unstable/unsecure at the moment, and I could face losing my job in the near future, potentially. It's a wait and see. What I'd do if I did lose my job, I wouldn't know. I do not have any positive outlook on life in order for me to want to chase after something, like opportunities, jobs etc. I just want out, to be honest.
However, doing something to myself is just not feasible. I lack the courage. I've thought about it, a lot, but it is just not something I could pull off.
I will try to better myself, but I have not improved on that in the last few years, so I am not positive on that phrase anymore. It is starting to feel like a lie, like I am slowly realizing who I truly am.
This is not a "pity me" post. I will not allow comments nor will I respond to any private messages. I just wanted to write this out in the open, for some reason. It feels good in a certain way, to get it off my chest. There have been some really great people on here that I have had the courtesy of to speak with, so it feels appropriate to thank all of you.
I will sign off on that. I will probably be back in the future at some point, who knows. I'm just not looking forward to anything anymore. Perhaps only my death, as stupidly edgy as that might sound.
Have a great day,